Parents

This is a strange subject.  The truth of the matter is that we cannot choose our parents…What I mean by that is sperm and egg meet and “boom” there is life created.  So, the birth mother and birth father are our “life producing” parents.  Those two people, we cannot choose.

We can, though, choose who we admire and adore and follow as our role models.  And, those people, in essence are parents too.  They are the ones that help to mold and shape us into the people/humans we become.  We place them in the role of parent and guider.  They have great influence over us because we allow them to.  Hopefully that influence is good and steers us in the right direction.

There are others in our lives, whether they be our “true” birth parents or “adoptive” parents.  Those people affect our upbringing too.  Based on genetics and all that “science” stuff, our birth parents give us our physical make up and based on how the RNA and DNA match up, our physical map of our wellbeing and health.  They can also be the people who bring us home from the hospital and are our caretakers and role models. 

The adoptive parents, in essence, choose you.  They have a desire to bring you into their home and to have a hand in your rearing and upbringing.  They have the desire to love and adore and shape you into the person you will later be.  They are very special people because God has given them the desire to take a non DNA related child into their home and love it as if they created it themselves. 

All of the above can have either a positive or negative influence on how you grow up and become the person you become.  When I say that, I don’t mean that if you had a rough childhood you need continue in that way of life.  Neither do I mean that if you were abused, neglected or abandonded that you need to follow suit.  You can change your life, for better of for worse.

God is like our “biological” father because he created us.  He chose to create you and wants you to grow and learn His ways and allow His influence in our lives.  He greatest desire is for you to emulate Him and be the best you can be.

God is also the parent that “we” can choose.  He allows us the free will of making the decision on our own to follow His ways and the allow Him to influence our lives.  He waits some time not so patiently, for us to make the choice to choose Him and His way of life.  To learn under His tuteledge.

God is also an adoptive parent.  He chooses you and makes you His own.  He wants the best for you in all things.  He will take you when no one else will.  When you have been rejected or given up by those who are around you, God’s arms are always open wide.  He will welcome you into His family because there is always room at the table.

Mary and Joseph were Jesus’ adoptive parents.  Yes, Mary was also Jesus “biological” mother because she carried him in her womb.  But, Jesus was also given to them for a short time to raise and care for.  A HUGE responsibility given to them by God, Jesus real father.  They chose to take on the task and Jesus chose to live with them and grow with their family.  His experience is unique in all the world and in all of history.

At this time of Christmas, think about all of those who have influenced your life.  Actually you should think of them often…But at this time of Advent when the Christ Child was brought into this world, thank those around you who made you, who loved you, who raised you, who allowed you to choose, and who took you in to raise as their own.  Also thank those that you chose to allow into your life.  Those who have influenced your growth and made you into the person you have become. 

Know all of this has been ordained by God.  He is the ultimate parent and protector.  We need simply to choose to follow Him.  Make that choice this Christmas.

Blue Christmas

On Thursday night, we had a service at church that was titled Blue Christmas.  It was the first one I attended.  I think it was the first time that LakeForest offered something like this.  I hope that it soon becomes a tradition for the church as it was much needed and appreciated by not only me but others.

No, there were not a lot of Elvis impersonaters singing “Blue Christmas”.  I stole that one from Caleb who was the music leader and one of the speakers at the service.  The musice was not Chrismas music.  But, it was appropriate and fit into the ceremony wonderfully. 

Where other services have encouraged us to “shake off the blues” and smile and enjoy the Christmas season, this one allowed each and every one of us to acknowledge our sadness and yes, even our anger at this time of Advent.  It is a part of our lives and we live with whatever “it” is every day. 

At the Chrismas season where families meet and celebrate, it is often hard for those of us who do not have the family we wanted or for those who have lost loved ones who are so very special to them.  We are constantly reminded of how happy the season is suppose to be but we just cannot bring ourselves to smile or join in with the festivities.

This service was just what was needed.  It was somber and (dare I say it) bleak.  There was not Christmas tree…no holiday decorations…There was simply the chairs, the fire, the music and the candles.  The only “cheerful” decoration at all was the brightly lighted glass creation over the mantle piece which mimiced stained glass windows.

We were allowed time to join together as one in our sadness and also time to muse upon our own personal sadness or sorrow.  Tears flowed with great abundance.  Yet through it all, there was a sense of relief and consolation.  (I watched the couple in front of me…They held on to each other like there was no tomorrow.  Their shared sadness pulled them together rather than apart. It was so obvious in how they treated each other.  That itself brought hope to my heart.)

We were allowed to be angry, sad and a miriad of other emotions that I saw floating through the crowd.  There were families that clung together and there were those like me who stood alone.  We were all one and we were all unique.  The service allowed us to see there were others out there that we might never had thought of as having pain during this holiday season.  Masked were pulled off and souls laid bare.  We had no fear of not being accepted because we were all the same.

At the end of the service, we were invited to light candles and “remember” the person(s) or thing that caused our sadness.  We could either voice it or just name it silently to God. 

Through it all, we called on God to console us and keep us.  To help us separate our sadness from the joy of the Christmas season.  It was truly a uinque service and a unique opportunity to express that “He Knows”.  He knows how we feel and His heart aches for us all.  He accepts the fact that though we want to celebrate the joyous birth of our Saviour and King, we are sadden and carry our sadness with us into this season of rebirth.  And, He says, it’s okay to feel that way.  Just know that Christ was born for all of us….and one day, our sorrow will cease.

Merry, Merry Christmas to all my brothers and sisters out there who grieve for times lost, loved ones lost, marriages lost, relationships that aren’t what they were wanted to be…you name it.  Give it to God…light your own candle and know that you are not alone and He Knows….

Uncertainty

Like some of my latest posts, this one may not make much sense.  To some, they will understan.  To others, well, they may scratch their heads and wonder.  To still others, it will not be worth reading to see if there is a denoument.  (there goes my French word for the day)  In other words, they won’t hang around to see if there is a turning point and a solution.

I make no bones about having financial trouble for the past couple of years.  Just when it seems that I might dig myself out of a the hole I have been placed in beyond my control, I slip and fall.  Not all the way down to the bottom.  But, there is always some type of set back. 

Here is where I am going to lose some people…they will say, “there are always setbacks”  and yes, that is true.  However, if you are comfortable and have a cushion to fall back on, the setback is less painful and more easily worked through..  There are others who will completely understand that a setback is just that a setback….  If there is no cushion, then the “fall” is a little more painful and a little harder from which to recover.  It still can be done but with much more effort. 

That is where I am right now.  I know I have dug myself out of a “huge” crator.  With the help of church and friends, I have consistently moved closer to the top of the crator and to a level surface.  At times, I have even been able to peek over the top or maybe better put, found a ledge to rest on for a little while.  After a little rest, though, the climb must be continued.

That is where the uncertainty and the scariness come in.  Just when I think I might have a toe hold or a hand grip, well, I will loose my position and slip.  Some times the slip is a little.  Some times it’s alot.  The secret was learning that no matter how significant the slippage was, not to think I was going to fall to the bottom again.  Rather, to learn how to “collect myself”  and reassess the situation before thinking I was going to be back in the abyss.

It has taken me months and months to get to this point.  I am sure that my non-DNA sisters and brothers are getting tired of manning the rescue mission needed to get me back on “stable ground”.  Yes, I am still in the hole.  Yes, I could fall back to the bottom.  But…and this is a big BUT, I am way closer to a way out than I was before and foundering and flapping of arms can cause more of a slippage than trying to keep a leve head and continue the climb.

I am sure when my non-DNA family starts to hear the rumblings of what used to be the familiar tune “Gloom Dispair and Agony on Me” they run for the life perservers and the saftey nets and the oxygen masks….what ever you could picture that one might need for a rescue mission….  So, it may surprise them that the situation has changed and I won’t let go and have a pity party because of the slippage.

That being said….I am still scared..I know that I am not going to try my best to calm my fears and know that I am not as bad off as the “evil one” has been whispering in my ear.  There is a solution out there, I just need to think about it rather than to react right away.  I need to be proactive not reactive.  So many times before, I was reactive….

So, all my loyal non-DNA and DNA family members, please know that you are going to hear the familiar rumblings…but just like parents who have a crying baby, wait.  See if I can settle myself before putting on the “rescue mode” you all so wonderfully and kindly wear without waver.  I know you are out there to help. 

I also want to say I know, I know that I have sounded like my world was coming to an end, just like the wails of a lost child or the caterwalling of a lonely and scared kitty cat.   You guys have steadfastly shown me that I am okay and can survive.  You guys have taught me survival skills.  But, mostly you all have “been there”.  For that, you have my deepest and most heart felt loyalty and gratitude.  If ever, ever any of you need me or my assitance, I will drop everything and come through anything to help.  Know that.

That all being said.   I am once again at a spot where I am feeling a little afraid.  Heck, who am I kidding, a lot afraid.  I have to move because I can no longer afford the current apartment because of a huge rent increase.  I can find another apartment…no problem there.  The problem comes with the financial part of paying the application fee, the security deposit, the first month’s rent and the pet fee.  Because I also have to continue paying where I am until my lease runs out and there will be at least one month where the expenses will over lap and before I receive my security deposit back from one place while I have to pay to move into the new place.

It also appears that my current boss is not willing to give me more hours or an increase in pay.  So, I am avidly looking for another job which has not appeared on the horizon yet.  I am trying valliantly not to be affected by the number of turn downs I have received.  A lot of people are in the same boat as me when it comes to jobs.  They are seeking diligently also.  But, people, knowing you are in the same lifeboat as all the others does not make you feel any safer or secure because you are still and individual and the others are not going to “take care” of you just like you cannot “take care” of them.  It is an “everyman for him/herself attitude”. 

I know that I have my non-DNA and DNA family members to help me.  I also know I have an “Ace in the hole”.  God is right there with me with a life vest.  I have at times put the vest on.  Sometimes, I am too afraid to reach for it.  But, I still know He is there and is willing to keep me afloat.  It involves some effort on my part.  That is what I am trying to do.  I try to live furgally.  I work hard for the pay I bring home.  I very seldom indulge myself.  I watch my pennies (that is why I could count out $12.00+ in change that I could use).  I continue to apply for jobs and will continue to do so. 

So, what am I lacking?  Knowing you can totally trust and totally trusting are two different things.  I can talk the talk but can I really walk the walk.  That is what I am learning to do.  Each and every time I give a part over to God, He says…”Now we are cooking with gas”  (or at lease I can envision someone smiling at me and rubbing their hands together and saying that) (We each have mind pictures that would evoke the feeling….think yours now) 

It makes me feel so much better to know that God can take what I have and make plenty out of it.  I just get to the afraid part when He says  “let me have it and watch what I can do”.  It’s like a child learning how to walk…they can do it but they still need that little sense of security, that finger that can’t really hold them up or even stablizie them but it is attached to someone who can.  You get it.

I don’t like uncertainty of any kind.  Unfortunately, that too is a part of life.  Just like unfortunate things that happen and rock your world in a bad way.  I would love to be able to say the unfortunate or fortunate things that have happened and rock my world in a good way.  There are tons of them.  And, maybe my world “as I know it” changing is not a bad thing at all.  We all fear things that we are not “used to” or “certain of”.  That does not mean that the event or action is bad.  Imagine a baby birds first flight…he has only known the nest and the security of his parents bringing him worms….But, just one step and one wing flap away is the most wonderful experience in the world.  Imagine his amazement when he can soar and fly and the freedom he must feel not being just “tied to the nest”.  But, I would hazard to guess that it takes a great deal of effort to get that little bird to make the step and take wing. 

This entry has been twisty and turny.  I guess the denoument is here.   I need to let go and let God.  I need to take the next right step.  I need not be afraid if I fall and get scratched and bruised. I need to see that “familiar” can be a good and a bad thing.  And, the same goes for unfamiliar.  It is good to analyze a situation but not “too good”….  And, some times we need to run headlong into whatever is coming our way while other times, we need to approach with caution.  My need is to be able to discern which is “right” and go for it…totally go….

I know the sign is there…I just need to see whether it says, stop, go, or constrution ahead.

Testing, Testing, Testing 123

I guess most of us recognize the above phrase from when someone is setting up a sound system.  Well, today, I feel like God is setting up the “sound” system in me.  You will remember a few of my past posts, one on responsibility and another on leaning and trusting.  Well, I am being sorely tested on those subjects.

Our Minister, Mike Moses, is a wise and wonderful man.  Today he spoke on the section from Luke about the Lillies of the field and how beautifully they are dressed and why we worry over things we actually should not… This has been part of the Love 10 celebration and campaign that is going on at LakeForest.  It actually was a sermon on who owns you.  (your things, or God) 

But, the part I took away that meant the most to me, was how much, once again, how much, God loves all of us.  We are all special to Him and He will not leave us high and dry without ” living water” or sinking in mire without a “life savor” or “life savior”.   So, I am being tested as Mike Moses says we all are in order to “learn” the behavior that God is trying to teach us.

Yes, it is one thing to say I will do this.  It is another thing to put it into practice.  And, it took the sermon today to get me to realize what has been going on in my own life.  God is allowing me to be tested on things that I am now professing I want to do or learn.

So, on trusting….He has sent someone into my life right now who I thought I could trust but I found I could not.  This person essentially threw me “under the bus” in order to save her own skin.  She also refused and still refuses to take responsibility for her own actions.

Due to the above, my job was literally in peril.  This person set it up so that I looked at fault and if I could not have proven her incorrect, my boss could have fired me because of “she said”/”she said”.  Who do you believe?  If it is between me, a lowly part-time receptionist/vet tech and a Vet, who do you think the boss is apt to believe? 

So, my trust in humans was once again tested.  Do I believe as I have up to this point that all “humans” have an ulteria motive and will use you if they can just to throw you away when they are done or to protect themselves?  Or, do I believe that there are far more people that I can trust and have proven that to me?  Where do I put my trust?  Where do I stand? 

It is dismaying this person has chosen to act this way.  I have been around so many of the same people in my life that I know she will not take responsibility nor will she apologize for putting my job in jeopardy.

Then there is that word that keeps popping up, responsibility.  Well, I wrote a whole blog about not taking responsbility and I need to practice what I preach.  I did.  However, much it pained me, I did take responsibility for something that happened at work that may or may not be “exactly” true.  Regardless, I had a hand in it and I needed to stand up and say so no matter the cost to me and my livelyhood.

There was an issue with some product at work that seemed to have been mislabled.  It was packaged in a way that I usually do.  The “general” consensus is that the product, would not be harmful to the animals if given to them, but if mislabled, might not do what we wanted it to do.  So, this product, based on statements by my boss had to be discarded. 

I could tell by the statements  my boss had made that she had, in fact, decided that I had was at fault.  Having no evidence to discount her thoughts and decisions, I owned up to the fact that if she felt I was as fault, she should dock my pay for the product that had to be discarded.  It was the right thing to do and the right decision to make.  I would feel better and do feel better knowing  I took responsibility even at detriment to me. 

So, instead of hanging on “maybes”  as “maybe it is” or “maybe it isn’t”, I swallowed my pride and took the hit.  I think that made my boss feel better about me and about the situation.  So, I made a step in the right direction.

Lastly, learning to lean into God.  The scripture today brought that home.  Yes, this has been an emotional week.  Yes, I have been fearful of losing my job.  Yes, I was worried about what would happen to me if I was in fact fired.  So, where was my leaning into God?

Today, He brought that home through the verses that we read aloud in Church.  God’s way of saying….”Hey, I know that you have had a really bad time recently.  Hey, I got it that you need a job to live.  Hey, I know you are worried….  But, child of mine, listen to Me…Don’t let it get to you.  I got your back and will make sure you get what you need”

You know what?  These past two years have shown me God does and will take care of me.  No matter what…. He won’t forget about me.  How do I know?  Well, He told me today in Church.  And, most of all, He has sent me some wonderful people and family that I can and do trust….My responsibily?  Being honest and earnest and stand up for what is right.  He’s got the rest.

Leaning and Trusting

Those two words go hand in hand for a lot of people.  For me also.  Yet they have two separate lives for me also.  I am learning to lean into God.  And, I am learning to trust people.

Where and when did I come up with that conclusion?  Well, it was at one of our Bible Studies.  I am a memeber of LakeForest Church in Huntersville, NC.  We regularly hold Bible Studies for women.  The series is called Oasis and is led by some really beautiful people.  Each Spring and Fall, these awesome women offer studies for other women of the church.

This Fall, a friend of mine offerd to “treat” me to a study called No Other Gods.  It meets on Monday nights.  There are about 12 women in the group.  We have a meal with each other and discuss the week’s lessons.  It is wonderful.  We are learning so much about each other and our feelings.  This is a place where you can be yourself and no one chooses to judge you.

Last Monday, one of the topics we discussed was fear.  Fear is the thing that “glue” you to the false God…In my case security.  I have never in my life felt secure.  And, that has been covered in plenty of these blogs if you just read between the lines.  Some people can, some can’t.

Any way after I had shared that I had never in my life felt safe or secure until I learned how to lean into God.  I said that I was feeling better and more secure since I had started leaning into God more and more.

After the class, my friend looked at me and stated that I had learned early that people are not to be trusted that the only one trustable is God.  I have thought about that statement and have several interchanges with my friend about what she meant and what I meant and what I want to share here.

Here is what I have come up with to share.  Yes, because of the life I have been living, the life I was dropped into when I was born, I have learned that I cannot trust other people.  I could not even trust members of my own “DNA” family with whom I grew up.  I was given glimpses of what security looked like.  I was given the bare minimum of security… Meaning, food, water, and clothing.  The rest, well, it could come and go as easily as the wind blows through the trees.  Anything I got attached to that made me feel a sense of security would eventually be taken from me in some way.  This practice was true all the way to my failed marriage.  I was so used to not being able to count on any one or anything but me.  That is a very horrible and sad way to live.

During this time, I knew God.  I trusted God with some pretty big things.  He took control of some other things that literally saved my life more than once.  I prayed.  I went to church.  I sat in the pew and heard the sermons.  I put money in the collection plate.  But, I lived on the edge of what I could have had.  God was holding it all out to me.  I was so afraid it I took it, it would once again be taken from me.  So, I took the scraps thrown from the table and made do.  Because of my beginnings, I felt I did not deserve our could not ask for more. 

Even the parable of the Prodigal Son could not convince me that God had a fatted calf just for me.  After all, I had never run away and then come back home.  I just thought I was one of those destined to suffer through life and I mean suffer.  Hurt after hurt.  I never blamed God.  I always wondered what I could have done in my life to make me worthy of only bad things and bad times. 

Let me state here that growing up that way made me very self sufficient.  It also made me frugal and wary.  I pretty much felt alone in the world.  That happens when you hear that you were not really wanted at first.  And, later was wanted because you were “useful”.  I grew up knowing the value of a dollar and not ever asking for much.  Things can be taken from you.  The less things you have, the less it hurts when they are taken away.

Let’s flash forward through my failed marriage to my divorce.  Through that time and now, I have found that there are truly people out there that are loving and kind.  My new family has nothing to do with DNA and everything to do with love and caring.  This is a new and wonderful concept to me.  It has been shown to me that I can indeed learn to trust these people they are trustworthy and are not “out” for what they can get.  If they say they will, unless something happens, they will.  So one of the things that is amazing to me is that these very people and many like them existed all my life and I never knew it! 

So, because of the upbringing I have had, I am learning to trust.  I don’t have to look at these people with a jaded eye or make myself standoffish so as not to be hurt.  I don’t have to be so protective of my heart around these people.  No walls are needed because they are not there to take but to give. 

And, leaning into God has given me the sense of security I could never find with humans.  He is my protector and my strength.  He has shown me that if I lean into Him, nothing, absolutely nothing can get between us.  And, even if the situation is scary, I need not fear because He is there protecting me.  Security to the max!!!!!  I can lay down and close my eyes and rest, safely and securely.

This journey takes many twists and turns.  I wear a cross and a lamb on a chain around my neck.  That lamb’s reason for being there changes or morphs into something else a lot.  First, it was for the Lamb of God.  Today, I am the sheep and God is my shepard, as from Psalm 23.

And Now, The Rest Of The Story

Anyone who is old enough to recognize that phrase will know that it came from Paul Harvey’s radio broadcast.  For me, I need to fill everyone who has been on pins and needles (very uncomfortable place to be) on the rest of the story.  Or, at least the part that is unfolding right now.

I have some very caring and wonderful friends.  They all rallied around me when they heard/read of my woes.  Each in their own way offered support and love.  It was all grately appreciated.  More than I can ever express with words.

So, here is where I stand/sit right now.  I had money transferred into my checking account first thing Monday morning.  It will cost me in the long run but will keep me solvent in the short run.  I am now able to pay bills and go to the grocery store and pick up some essentials that I need.  The cats say “bout time”  they are wanting some more cat food! 

I have an awesome group of people around me….Those of you who read this are included in that because I know, I know, that a lot of you said prayers for me when you read what I had written.  I thank you for that and so much more.  The ability to put words on this screen and to have others read it is freeing in itself.  Believe it or not, it might help someone else who is in the same perdicament.

Anyway….I am back in business!  I now have a new understanding of being “without money” literally.  I don’t have much but I am used to being able to run into the grocery store to pick up some few things without a problem.  This weekend showed me how it felt when someone goes to the check out and they do not have the funds and are terribly embarassed.  To have a look at those who do not know “what to do next” because they have been blindsided by the information that they do not have what they thought they did.  Having one’s hands tied for however short a period is really, really scary. 

That is, scary until you realize that there is a power higher than you who really controls it all.  Then, even though you may be concerned, and anxious, you can put your trust in God and know that somehow, “it” will work out.  Just be prepared that “it” probably won’t work out the way you had hoped or thought that it would.  Meaning that you have to fall back into the arms of the one who is always behind, beside and in front of you to protect you from these types of fears.

And, most of all, you have to let others know.  If you hide it from others, how can anyone who is lead by God to help, know that you need help.  Oh, you have to work for it too.  Nothing comes to you easily.  That phrase has two meanings….If you do nothing, it comes easily to wallow in your sorrows and nothing happens….  The other meaning….not one thing will happen if you just sit….you have to let others know…which is not easy.  It is embarassing and hard and ugly and most of all humbling to admit that you cannot control what is happening at the time.  That is not easy!!!!  Get it?

So, that is what I have learned from this lesson.  Once again….the easy phrase is Let Go and Let God.  But, that is also the hard phrase….Letting go is harder than any of you have ever imagined.  And, Letting God….well involves a huge amout of trust and the ability to “take it as is comes”.

As I write this, no lie, my Orange One…kitty, is plaintively crying for something.  I know he has food.  I know he has water.  I know that he has all the comforts he needs.  However, he is still crying for something.  Since I cannot exactly speak cat….I know that he wants something and I know that he does not “need” the something he is asking for or pleading for.  So, I say to him, stop the crying….you have everything you need…Quit the begging and the acting out.  (He just tried turning over the garbage can as a sign of defiance.) 

Does that sound like someone you know?  Let God provide.  Do your part.  And, quit all the caterwalling!  You will be okay.

Gloom, Despair, and Agony on Me

When I was a kid, there was a country show on TV called Hee Haw….The above was the refrain to a song that was sung during a time in the show when everyone would express their woe over something that had happened to them or occured in their life.  Well, that is the best way I can describe the past week.

It is a good thing that I was on a “sugar high” from all of the stuff that had been going well in my life.  I was in a good place. I was, and continue to, praising God for His benevolence to me.  I was happy and smiling.  In other words, I was a sitting duck.  Yep, all of those evil minions that are out there looking for happy, emotionally safe, people were attracted to the alluring scent of contentment.  And, like bees to flowes they all came flying to attack me in any way possible.

Things did not go well at work.  I ended up being blamed for things that were not my fault.  No need to go into details.  We have all been there.  When you do a good deed and it “does not go unpunished”.  As if that was not enough, then I started shooting my own self in the foot.  In other words, it was just my week to be the one to be picked on. 

Then, as if on cue, my finances got halted in their tracks.  Not only did the great State of North Carolina send a letter to me that they were going to garnish my salary until I coughed up another $200.00 to them for back taxes but my bank account went into the negative.  First I had to explain to my boss about the granishment.  Boy was that fun.  It seems that because my taxes were filed late for bot 2008 and 2009, the great State of NC penalized me almot $1300.00.  I paid the fine but they were not happy with that….they wanted interest.  They charged me interest because my payment and their notice to me crossed in the mail.  I was in hopes they would “forgive” the interest since I had paid the taxes….No such luck.  So, on Wednesday, I received a letter saying they were going to garnish my salary to get the difference they felt they were owed.

I have been very good at budgeting so I can get my bills paid.  I was not expecting this.  So, I had do two things.  I had to let my boss know to expect the letter.  Then, I had to hope that my credit card company would accept a charge for the difference so that the state could be paid.  So far, so good with that one. 

The checking account was another thing.  I have been on the phone all morning trying to get on-line to research the difference.  I ended up crying when I spoke with the “real” person on the phone who was trying to help me get into on-line banking so I could view my statement to determine where the error had occurred. 

That was after last night’s fiasco at the grocery store when I attempted to go through the automated check out only to find that my card was declined.  Declined for NSF!  I awas so embarassed.

I used to work in a bank.  I am in my 50′s and I have never had an NSF before in my life.  I was so upset. 

Needless to say, the Devil was just rubbing his hands together and enjoying the drama that was unfolding before him.  He must have enjoyed himself so much.  I am sure that my “spirit self” must have looked as battered and bruised as I physically felt.  They were probably all dancing around with glee.  (they being the minions)

Oh did I mention that I was charged a late fee for the rent being one day late?  Happy, Happy!

The moral to the story is.  I am okay.  This will work out.  I am not starving.  I will make it through this and come out on the other side just fine.  I don’t see it yet.  However, I am trusting that God has a plan for all of this.  What?  I don’t know.  Humility may be one thing.  Now I know how it feels when your debit card is declined through no fault of your own….Leaning ever more into the bosom of God.

Miles To Go Before I Sleep

My mother used to quote the above often.  I never quite understood what it meant until just recently.  I too have miles to go before I sleep.  The meaning I take from this is there is a lot of learning, growing and working to do before I get to rest.  I hazard to guess that is kind of what my mother had in mind….except she probably would express that it was more about work than about learning and growning.  Or “there is no rest for the weary” kind of thing.

I realized today that I do indeed have much more to learn.  God is doing a lot of work in my life right now.  Some of it, no all of it is a blessing.  It’s just that some of it is more painful that others.  God, in His infinte wisdom knows what I need before I do.  He knows what I can do without.  He knows what I want and desire.  This is becoming ever more clear to me as I learn and grow.

Painful though it is, I am learning that I need to lean wholly on Him for all my needs because I certainly cannot do it all by myself.  To show me that, I am in a situation that is totally against my nature and my comfort zone.   I have never had much monetary wealth, but I have been able to support myself since I graduated from college.  Actually before, by the time I was 16, I was budgeting and deciding what I could and could not afford.  It has been instilled in me that I am never to ask for nor take money from anyone because it shows that you are weak and cannot take care of yourself.

Weakness was never anything I could show.  From the time that I can remember, all I ever heard was, “you need to take care of yourself”.  So, that is what I tried to do.  First, it was dressing myself and taking care of me.  I did not always do it well, but since I am writing this, I must have survived.  Then, I learned how to do well in school.  Never asking for assistance, always figuring out my own problems.  Never causing problems for others, especially the teacher…Blending in.  To hear my mom say it, I always took care of myself.

I grew up into a self suffcient woman.  I put myself through college and afterward got a job and made my way in the world.  Before then, at the age of 16, I was responsible for my three aged grandparents and my 13 year old sister.  I graduated Valedictorian and went to Furman.

Why am I saying all of this?  Well, until I was married, I made my way in the world.  I went to church.  I went to work.  I paid my bills.  And, I even had money left over.  But, if you read all of the above, you will see the word I a lot of times.  I thought it was me.  I was the one doing it and pulling the strings of my life to get me where I was.  And, partially, that is true.  You see, God gives us a chance to run our own lives.  He is always there in the back ground waiting for us to learn to lean into Him for He can take care of us way better than we can take care of ourselves.

And, I had a relationship with God.  Tenuous though it was.  I thanked Him for giving me the wisdom and the gumption so that I could provide for myself.  He was there yes, but I was in control.  I went to Him in prayer but never wanting to give over to Him all that He was asking for.  Holding back a little of me.

I married late in life.  Big mistake.  No, actually not.  If I had not married, I would not be here right now saying these things.  I was in an abusive relationship.  It was horrible from the word go….My Ex only married me because he felt he could use me and my good credit rating to continue to do as he pleased.  I think he might have cared for me some but only as much as he felt I was useful to him.  I gave him legitimacy.  With me at his side, he looked like a normal every day man and husband.  Behind closed doors, he was mean, cruel, hurtful and out only for what please him.  If he could use me…he did. 

I digress though.  You can read about the abuse in other posts on this blog.  The point.  God used my marriage and my divorce to put me in a place where I needed to depend on Him more and me less.  I have been so blessed in the past couple of years with wonderful friends who have supported me not only with their love and their prayers but often anonymously with their money too. 

I have a job that barely pays the bills.  I am thankful for that job.  God, has used these past two years…Actually, if I include my marriage, the past seven years, to help me to grow so much.  I have learned to depend on Him more and more and me less and less.  He knows what I need.  It has been hard giving over control of things to God.  When I look at my checkbook and when I see the money dwindle down to almost nothing, I wonder and worry about how things are going to work out.  Those times are when I need to cling to God tighter.  He has blessed me so much.  I cannot ask for more.  But, He says: “ask for more, and trust me to give it”.  Time and again, He comes through and I am surprised.  I can almost hear Him saying:  “Why are you surprised?  Didn’t I promise you?”  I have to remember the verse, “I will never leave you or foresake you”.  Especially when I wonder how I am going to make ends meet.

God, wants us all to realize that no matter how hard “we” try….He can always do better for us.  We just need to lean into Him and let Him do it.  It isn’t always easy.  I have to admit that it often takes me until I realize that I have no where else to turn or I can’t lose anything by letting Him do it for me.  I can’t lose anything anyway.  He has promised abundancy and He has always come through.  His abundancy is often differnt from what we think of as abundancy.  However, it is always enough it we just let go. 

I can say this.  I mean this.  I am so, so thankful for all that God has provided and all He will provide if I simply let go.  I need to quit beating myself up when I fail myself…God is not disappointed in me…He loves me more the harder I try.  He knows. He understands.  He can.  He will.  I just have to trust….how hard is that?  Well, for someone who has been abused, trust is hard.  I am of the belief that I cannot show how vunerable I am.  God says, “show me”.  He will protect me.  I cannot protect myself.  It is freeing to know that God is always, always, there……

Choices

Funny thing..the minister preached on making choices yesterday.  Just one week after I talked about chosing the road less traveled, he speaks on making choices.  He preached on a section of Moses’s sermon to the people getting reading to go into the land of plenty.  Choosing right.  Choosing to follow God’s laws.  Receiving bounty….etc…

Well, for almost two years now, I have been doing the “next right thing”.  Meaning that I have chosen the next right thing to do resulting from the current situation.  I have put one foot in front of the other and trodded down the path.  That path is not always easy.  It is not always fun.  And, it definitely has not been one of complete joyousness.

I have had to make choice to give up a lot of things.  A lot of things for which I thought I should fight.  A lot of things that I loved very much.  Those choices were hard and sadded me greatly.  But, they were the right choices to make.

I have had to choose financial loss to financial gain.  I had to give up the fight regain money that was taken from me, fraudulently and wrongly.  I thought that the “right thing” was to fight to get it back.  I found it wasn’t.

Some thimes making a choice that one thinks is good causes you to be attached to the consequences later.  Those consequences can be either good or bad.  The decision to marry was for all the “right” reason.  I did everything that I could to make the marriage work.  Work the right way in the eyes of god.  Too bad that the person I maaried did not have the same goals.  His were to make me idolize him and do his bidding as if he were my God.  When I balked, well, he had no more use for me.  He used verbal and mental abuse to “keep me in his control”.  That time was one of the most horrible times of my life.  The consequences I was expecting for making the choice to marry for love were not the consequences I received.

However, without making those choices, I would not be where I am now.  I am more happy and more secure and more strong than I have ever been.  I have wonderful friends that do not have “expectations or rules” I have to meet before they accept me as their sister in the faith.  I am loved for who I am and not what I can provide.  And, that makes me want to provide even more!

My faith has grown by leaps and bounds.  God is and was and always will be beside me as my protector.  He has used horrible times to help me to grow and blossom into the woman I am now.  I still have miles to go…and many things to learn….but I am on the right road.  I know it.

I have chosen a lot of things that I would not have before.  And, even though I am not “rich in wealth”, I am rich in the spirit.  I feel that is the better “rich” to be.  I will be taken care of by God.  He has me in the palm of His hand.  I still have worries and cares but they are much less to bear than now that I know that God hold me near.

Contemplation

As I sit here at my friends’ Lake Norman House, looking out at the serenity of the lake, I cannot help but contemplate the turns my life has taken in the past few months.  From being married to being single again, from being devastated about my losses to being satisfied with what I have, from being angry and vengeful to forgiving.  You name it, it has happened to me.

I am happy to say that I have made a “turn” in the road.  Maybe I am going down the one less traveled.  I somehow think I am.  Why?  If I use the description of the road less traveled, I can say that it is a small country lane with trees overshadowing it in some places.  Other spots are dappled with sunlight and others are out in full sun.  The road is well kept but the vegetation on both sides is very close and some times does not allow for stopping or pulling over when something presents itself in front of you.  Other times, there are pull offs where you can stop and enjoy the wonders of nature.

In regular words….well, I have not chose the super highway or the interstate….LOL  I have chosen a road that has to be carefully watched and obstacles have to be “contemplated”.  Or more plainly, I am not taking the easy way out. 

The easy way would be to bury all that has happened and take off and not look back.  But, it is only in looking back that we can see how to handle the future.  We should learn from our mistakes.  They are tools from which to learn, grow and gain knowledge.  Otherwise, we are destined to repeat the same mistake without a different outcome.

Caution is the first word that comes to mind when I think about the future.  The obstacles I meet will have to be met headon in most cases because there is not a way to turn around or pull off.  That does not mean that I do not have time to sit and think and decide how to handle what is coming my way.  It means that I should not just put the car in gear and “ram” into or through what is in front of me until I have contemplated the obstacle and what it entails.  Some obstacles need to be moved to the side.  Some need to be picked up and put in the car.  And, even others need to be driven through because they are not what they seem.

On obstacle that I drove right through after contemplation….much contemplation…my release of vengefulness and anger against my ex-husband.  I have been sitting and looking at that obstacle for quite a while now.  I have looked at it from all angles.  I thought that it was a huge barrier that I could not overcome.  But, when I asked God to soften my heart and help me to let go of the anger and resentment and my desire for vengence, well it happened.  Believe it or not, one day, I wanted to hire someone to break my ex’s kneecaps.  The next, I gave him over to God and let it all go. 

I thought I was going to be detained by that obstacle for a long, long time.  I found that it was not what it seemed.  And, I drove right through it.  God provided the insight that once I let it go, it was not impossible to overcome and get through.  So with His help, I put the car in gear and drove right through something that I thought was completely blocking the road of my progress.

What a freeing feeling to no longer be stuck looking at this huge obstacle in the middle of the road.   My was if clear and I can once again enjoy my drive in the country.  Until the next one comes along….