Leaning and Trusting

Those two words go hand in hand for a lot of people.  For me also.  Yet they have two separate lives for me also.  I am learning to lean into God.  And, I am learning to trust people.

Where and when did I come up with that conclusion?  Well, it was at one of our Bible Studies.  I am a memeber of LakeForest Church in Huntersville, NC.  We regularly hold Bible Studies for women.  The series is called Oasis and is led by some really beautiful people.  Each Spring and Fall, these awesome women offer studies for other women of the church.

This Fall, a friend of mine offerd to “treat” me to a study called No Other Gods.  It meets on Monday nights.  There are about 12 women in the group.  We have a meal with each other and discuss the week’s lessons.  It is wonderful.  We are learning so much about each other and our feelings.  This is a place where you can be yourself and no one chooses to judge you.

Last Monday, one of the topics we discussed was fear.  Fear is the thing that “glue” you to the false God…In my case security.  I have never in my life felt secure.  And, that has been covered in plenty of these blogs if you just read between the lines.  Some people can, some can’t.

Any way after I had shared that I had never in my life felt safe or secure until I learned how to lean into God.  I said that I was feeling better and more secure since I had started leaning into God more and more.

After the class, my friend looked at me and stated that I had learned early that people are not to be trusted that the only one trustable is God.  I have thought about that statement and have several interchanges with my friend about what she meant and what I meant and what I want to share here.

Here is what I have come up with to share.  Yes, because of the life I have been living, the life I was dropped into when I was born, I have learned that I cannot trust other people.  I could not even trust members of my own “DNA” family with whom I grew up.  I was given glimpses of what security looked like.  I was given the bare minimum of security… Meaning, food, water, and clothing.  The rest, well, it could come and go as easily as the wind blows through the trees.  Anything I got attached to that made me feel a sense of security would eventually be taken from me in some way.  This practice was true all the way to my failed marriage.  I was so used to not being able to count on any one or anything but me.  That is a very horrible and sad way to live.

During this time, I knew God.  I trusted God with some pretty big things.  He took control of some other things that literally saved my life more than once.  I prayed.  I went to church.  I sat in the pew and heard the sermons.  I put money in the collection plate.  But, I lived on the edge of what I could have had.  God was holding it all out to me.  I was so afraid it I took it, it would once again be taken from me.  So, I took the scraps thrown from the table and made do.  Because of my beginnings, I felt I did not deserve our could not ask for more. 

Even the parable of the Prodigal Son could not convince me that God had a fatted calf just for me.  After all, I had never run away and then come back home.  I just thought I was one of those destined to suffer through life and I mean suffer.  Hurt after hurt.  I never blamed God.  I always wondered what I could have done in my life to make me worthy of only bad things and bad times. 

Let me state here that growing up that way made me very self sufficient.  It also made me frugal and wary.  I pretty much felt alone in the world.  That happens when you hear that you were not really wanted at first.  And, later was wanted because you were “useful”.  I grew up knowing the value of a dollar and not ever asking for much.  Things can be taken from you.  The less things you have, the less it hurts when they are taken away.

Let’s flash forward through my failed marriage to my divorce.  Through that time and now, I have found that there are truly people out there that are loving and kind.  My new family has nothing to do with DNA and everything to do with love and caring.  This is a new and wonderful concept to me.  It has been shown to me that I can indeed learn to trust these people they are trustworthy and are not “out” for what they can get.  If they say they will, unless something happens, they will.  So one of the things that is amazing to me is that these very people and many like them existed all my life and I never knew it! 

So, because of the upbringing I have had, I am learning to trust.  I don’t have to look at these people with a jaded eye or make myself standoffish so as not to be hurt.  I don’t have to be so protective of my heart around these people.  No walls are needed because they are not there to take but to give. 

And, leaning into God has given me the sense of security I could never find with humans.  He is my protector and my strength.  He has shown me that if I lean into Him, nothing, absolutely nothing can get between us.  And, even if the situation is scary, I need not fear because He is there protecting me.  Security to the max!!!!!  I can lay down and close my eyes and rest, safely and securely.

This journey takes many twists and turns.  I wear a cross and a lamb on a chain around my neck.  That lamb’s reason for being there changes or morphs into something else a lot.  First, it was for the Lamb of God.  Today, I am the sheep and God is my shepard, as from Psalm 23.

Miles To Go Before I Sleep

My mother used to quote the above often.  I never quite understood what it meant until just recently.  I too have miles to go before I sleep.  The meaning I take from this is there is a lot of learning, growing and working to do before I get to rest.  I hazard to guess that is kind of what my mother had in mind….except she probably would express that it was more about work than about learning and growning.  Or “there is no rest for the weary” kind of thing.

I realized today that I do indeed have much more to learn.  God is doing a lot of work in my life right now.  Some of it, no all of it is a blessing.  It’s just that some of it is more painful that others.  God, in His infinte wisdom knows what I need before I do.  He knows what I can do without.  He knows what I want and desire.  This is becoming ever more clear to me as I learn and grow.

Painful though it is, I am learning that I need to lean wholly on Him for all my needs because I certainly cannot do it all by myself.  To show me that, I am in a situation that is totally against my nature and my comfort zone.   I have never had much monetary wealth, but I have been able to support myself since I graduated from college.  Actually before, by the time I was 16, I was budgeting and deciding what I could and could not afford.  It has been instilled in me that I am never to ask for nor take money from anyone because it shows that you are weak and cannot take care of yourself.

Weakness was never anything I could show.  From the time that I can remember, all I ever heard was, “you need to take care of yourself”.  So, that is what I tried to do.  First, it was dressing myself and taking care of me.  I did not always do it well, but since I am writing this, I must have survived.  Then, I learned how to do well in school.  Never asking for assistance, always figuring out my own problems.  Never causing problems for others, especially the teacher…Blending in.  To hear my mom say it, I always took care of myself.

I grew up into a self suffcient woman.  I put myself through college and afterward got a job and made my way in the world.  Before then, at the age of 16, I was responsible for my three aged grandparents and my 13 year old sister.  I graduated Valedictorian and went to Furman.

Why am I saying all of this?  Well, until I was married, I made my way in the world.  I went to church.  I went to work.  I paid my bills.  And, I even had money left over.  But, if you read all of the above, you will see the word I a lot of times.  I thought it was me.  I was the one doing it and pulling the strings of my life to get me where I was.  And, partially, that is true.  You see, God gives us a chance to run our own lives.  He is always there in the back ground waiting for us to learn to lean into Him for He can take care of us way better than we can take care of ourselves.

And, I had a relationship with God.  Tenuous though it was.  I thanked Him for giving me the wisdom and the gumption so that I could provide for myself.  He was there yes, but I was in control.  I went to Him in prayer but never wanting to give over to Him all that He was asking for.  Holding back a little of me.

I married late in life.  Big mistake.  No, actually not.  If I had not married, I would not be here right now saying these things.  I was in an abusive relationship.  It was horrible from the word go….My Ex only married me because he felt he could use me and my good credit rating to continue to do as he pleased.  I think he might have cared for me some but only as much as he felt I was useful to him.  I gave him legitimacy.  With me at his side, he looked like a normal every day man and husband.  Behind closed doors, he was mean, cruel, hurtful and out only for what please him.  If he could use me…he did. 

I digress though.  You can read about the abuse in other posts on this blog.  The point.  God used my marriage and my divorce to put me in a place where I needed to depend on Him more and me less.  I have been so blessed in the past couple of years with wonderful friends who have supported me not only with their love and their prayers but often anonymously with their money too. 

I have a job that barely pays the bills.  I am thankful for that job.  God, has used these past two years…Actually, if I include my marriage, the past seven years, to help me to grow so much.  I have learned to depend on Him more and more and me less and less.  He knows what I need.  It has been hard giving over control of things to God.  When I look at my checkbook and when I see the money dwindle down to almost nothing, I wonder and worry about how things are going to work out.  Those times are when I need to cling to God tighter.  He has blessed me so much.  I cannot ask for more.  But, He says: “ask for more, and trust me to give it”.  Time and again, He comes through and I am surprised.  I can almost hear Him saying:  “Why are you surprised?  Didn’t I promise you?”  I have to remember the verse, “I will never leave you or foresake you”.  Especially when I wonder how I am going to make ends meet.

God, wants us all to realize that no matter how hard “we” try….He can always do better for us.  We just need to lean into Him and let Him do it.  It isn’t always easy.  I have to admit that it often takes me until I realize that I have no where else to turn or I can’t lose anything by letting Him do it for me.  I can’t lose anything anyway.  He has promised abundancy and He has always come through.  His abundancy is often differnt from what we think of as abundancy.  However, it is always enough it we just let go. 

I can say this.  I mean this.  I am so, so thankful for all that God has provided and all He will provide if I simply let go.  I need to quit beating myself up when I fail myself…God is not disappointed in me…He loves me more the harder I try.  He knows. He understands.  He can.  He will.  I just have to trust….how hard is that?  Well, for someone who has been abused, trust is hard.  I am of the belief that I cannot show how vunerable I am.  God says, “show me”.  He will protect me.  I cannot protect myself.  It is freeing to know that God is always, always, there……

Choices

Funny thing..the minister preached on making choices yesterday.  Just one week after I talked about chosing the road less traveled, he speaks on making choices.  He preached on a section of Moses’s sermon to the people getting reading to go into the land of plenty.  Choosing right.  Choosing to follow God’s laws.  Receiving bounty….etc…

Well, for almost two years now, I have been doing the “next right thing”.  Meaning that I have chosen the next right thing to do resulting from the current situation.  I have put one foot in front of the other and trodded down the path.  That path is not always easy.  It is not always fun.  And, it definitely has not been one of complete joyousness.

I have had to make choice to give up a lot of things.  A lot of things for which I thought I should fight.  A lot of things that I loved very much.  Those choices were hard and sadded me greatly.  But, they were the right choices to make.

I have had to choose financial loss to financial gain.  I had to give up the fight regain money that was taken from me, fraudulently and wrongly.  I thought that the “right thing” was to fight to get it back.  I found it wasn’t.

Some thimes making a choice that one thinks is good causes you to be attached to the consequences later.  Those consequences can be either good or bad.  The decision to marry was for all the “right” reason.  I did everything that I could to make the marriage work.  Work the right way in the eyes of god.  Too bad that the person I maaried did not have the same goals.  His were to make me idolize him and do his bidding as if he were my God.  When I balked, well, he had no more use for me.  He used verbal and mental abuse to “keep me in his control”.  That time was one of the most horrible times of my life.  The consequences I was expecting for making the choice to marry for love were not the consequences I received.

However, without making those choices, I would not be where I am now.  I am more happy and more secure and more strong than I have ever been.  I have wonderful friends that do not have “expectations or rules” I have to meet before they accept me as their sister in the faith.  I am loved for who I am and not what I can provide.  And, that makes me want to provide even more!

My faith has grown by leaps and bounds.  God is and was and always will be beside me as my protector.  He has used horrible times to help me to grow and blossom into the woman I am now.  I still have miles to go…and many things to learn….but I am on the right road.  I know it.

I have chosen a lot of things that I would not have before.  And, even though I am not “rich in wealth”, I am rich in the spirit.  I feel that is the better “rich” to be.  I will be taken care of by God.  He has me in the palm of His hand.  I still have worries and cares but they are much less to bear than now that I know that God hold me near.

Learning To Forgive

I have been struggling with the above for several months now.  I am past the divorce and am officially single again.  I am essentially starting all over again.  Starting again to gain my self confidence.  Starting again to be the person I once was.  Starting again to make good and close friends.  Starting again in a different career.  Starting again to learn to trust.  Along  with a huge list of things I am either starting again or discovering for the first time….

With that comes the decision that I need to let go of the hurt.  I no longer want to sit and cry for things I cannot have.  I no longer want to harbor ill will towards a person who used and abused me making my life miserable to the point of even threatening my sanity and wellbeing.  Someone who took so many things from me.  Someone for whom I sacrificed so much for only to be told it was never enough and I was not good enough.  Someone who took my trust and my love and used it against me.   Someone who left me in financial straits….  I could go on but I know the reader gets the idea.

Forgiveness can be freeing.  I want that freedom.  I want liberty from the hurt and pain.  I don’t want numbness.  I want to live and enjoy life again without fear and distrust. 

There is something that also needs to be stated…I am struggling to forgive someone who has not asked for nor thinks he needs to be forgiven.  In his mind, I am and always will be the one at fault.  If asked today, he would tell you that I have crushed him and hurt him badly.  Yet, he is the one that has everything “we” worked for in the 5 years we were married.  He feels that I deserve nothing at all.  Not even my beloved Ranger Dog, whom he keeps simply because it pains me.

God says in so many ways, that we should forgive others for the transgressions against us.  We are forgiven so much by God and He does direct us to follow His example.  I want to do that.  I want to let go and let God.  I know I do not have to carry around the hurt and pain.  That release does not mean that I forget what happened or that I should feel less sad.  However, I need to not harbor ill will or hard heartedness against this person.

I am trying daily to repeat to myself how important it is to forgive.  How letting it go will free me.  And, I have been assured that it will come with time if I desire it to do so.  Bitterness only makes the person feeling it sick.  It does nothing to the one who caused the feeling.  As some say, ”it’s like taking poison and expecting the other person to die”.  I want to quit drinking from that cup.

I have been able to let go of some huge hurts and transgressions from my early life.  I have been able to let go and feel the weight lifted off of me.  I want that feeling again.  No more bitterness or pain….No more hurt and resentment…No more desire for retribution or revenge…It is not my place to avenge the transgressions made against me.  I am not the one in charge of deciding who gets punished and who does not.  God will not actually punish or forgive a person based on what I do.  But, He will take care of it all.  I don’t have to worry about it.  God has it in His hands.

The thing is….I desire it and want it badly.  But…I am having problems letting it go.  I want to open my hands and release it.  I really do. However, it is like a baloon with a string.  I can only let it go so far before I pull it back in.  

I do not want to torture myself anymore….

Hooked On A Feeling Part II

Today, the freakiness was with my sister.  She knew that I needed words of encouragement and sent them post haste.  While I was out walking I fell into the pits of despair.  When I got back to the apartment, sure enough, there was an email from my sister giving me encouragement by sharing a daily devotional with me about Joseph being sold into slavehood.  Seems that Joseph was thrown into a pit by his jealous brothers.  Then he was sold into slavery.  From there, Joseph became second in command in Egypt.  Showing that good can come from bad things that happen to you.

It was the much neede message I needed today.  The pit I fell into was the one of thinking about all that I had lost in the past 5 years of my life.  My marriage to my now ex-husband was a time of truly being sold into slavery.  The only difference, I did it to myself.  Then I allowed the despair I felt during that time  turn me into another person all together.  And, I literally had to run for my life to get away from the abusive person who was trying to control my life.   If I had not left, I truly believe I would not be alive today.

However, my trials and tributlations have given my “new” life purpose.  Not only have I gained hopefullness and a new idea of what I want to do with my life, I have been able to explore why I ended up where I did anyway.  It has been a difficult and grueling experience.  However, I want to help others with transition from abusee to being whole and healed. 

We are all works in progress….We can always grow and learn if we just allow ourselves to be molded by God.  God would not have been able to “show” me where I should be without the things that have come before.  Yes, it hurt.  Yes, I hated it.  No, I would not want to live through it again.  However, I have grown and learned so much about me in the past few months.  I am truly learning who I am and not who others want me to be.  I am trying to fit into my own skin and not someone’s opinion of what my skin should be like. 

God is holding my hand.  He is holding my heart.  And, He knows…..He knows….

Comfortable In My Own Skin

Early in my bloggin career, I wrote about an old wive’s tale about Hags who come and ride you while you are asleep.  Basically, witches come to your room at nigt and cause you to have bad dreams.  The only way to prevent that from happening, so they say, is to paint blue around your windows and doors because Hags don’t like that color.  You can also put a line of salt at eact entrance to your house.  You see, the Hags have to climb out of their skin to come inside.  So, if there is salt, it will burn their raw flesh….

What does that have to do with me?  Well, those of you who know me well, know that I have been dealing with healing from years of abuse.  I have just gotten out of an abusive marriage and have been working really hard to understand me and why I ended up where I did.  This has not been an easy venture.  It has caused many days of pain and agony and many sleepless or night mare filled nights.  I have had to delve deep into my past to understand a lot of things about me and how I work.

I have tried for years to “be” what/who others wanted me to be in order to be loved and accepted.  In those years, it became hard for me to hold on to the essence of who I really was.  After so many years of being that “good little girl” or the “bestest friend” or the “dutiful wife”, I found that I had a huge puzzle of pieces of me that had to be put back together in order to “know” who I was.  I am still working on this. 

I feel we are all works in progress and to that end get pieces of the puzzle of ouselves thought out our lives.  By the time most of us are my age, they have a pretty good idea of who they are.  God first gives us a small puzzle to fit together when we are children.  As we grow that puzzle evolves into a huge tapestry to which we add pieces at different times in our lives.

Me, well, I had either created for myself or been added pieces that did not fit properly.  So, I essentially had to take the whole thing apart and start over again.  It’s like being almost finished with one of those huge puzzles and having it fall off the table and onto the floor and break apart into pieces.  Or course, some of the pieces fitted together stay together.  But, you still find yourself making repairs to get the whole thing back together again.

It’s like that or like starting in the middle and not having any edges.  Or having all the edges but nothing in the middle.  You need it all to be complete.

You can also equate what I have been going through to what my cats experienced the other night.  After noticing a flea on one of my boys, I treated them both with topical flea medicine.  For at lease several hours, they were not comfortable because the flea medicine was making the fleas on them go beserk.  They would twitch and jump and scratch.  I could see the skin on their backs ripple and move because they were itchy.  Also, they could not get comfortable.  They bounced from place to place hoping that the next place would bring relieve only to find that the itchiness had followed them because it was their own skin.  After a few hours, fleas died, they calmed down and they are now back to normal comfortable in their own skin.

I am hoping that I will get comfortable in my own skin soon.  Because, like my cats, I have jumped from place to place hoping to be comfortable once again, or for the first time.  I have times of calm but then, something will get itchy I don’t like it.  There is so much more about me that I have to learn.  There are things I have to let go.  I have to learn how to define myself differently.  The true me and not the one behind the mask.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful group of friends who are helping accepting of me and are encouraging me to find myself.  To become comfortable in my own skin.  God has given me the pieces.  I am busily putting them together in order to get a clearer picture of who I am and how I fit into this world.  He is patiently encouraging me not to rush in fitting the pieces together.  I think I have the picture and try to compelte it…He says not yet and hands me another piece that requires thought and patience in order to find the perfect place for it to fit.

A picture of me is emerging.

Addictions

There are so many different types of addictions that I cannot begin to list them all.  Currently, a lot of the reality TV shows deal with some type of addiction.  Just a few to mention are hoarding, OCD and drug addiction. 

For whatever reason, people like to watch these shows because “they” can see someone who is worse off then they are.  Some of them watch because they can identify with the peson and the addiction but would never say so in public.  I have to wonder about those who have let someone film cases of their addiction.  I also have to question people who sit down to a night of watching addiction behavior on TV.  What does that say about our culture?

However, I can name one addiction issue that one will probably never see on TV.  That addiction is abuse.  That may raise the eyebrows on quite a few heads when that read the above line.  However, in my own personal opinion, Abuse can be and often is an addiction that is just as prevelant and deadly as an in our culture today.

It happens everyday.  It happens in way too many homes to count.  It can eventually kill the addictee (for want of a better word).  It is treated way less by professionals than other outward addictions.  There is no drug that you can take or any place to go to “dry out”.  Some or most people do not know that they can be treated and cured.  However, the treatment is not readily available and many people feel that there is no where to turn.  I would even guess that a lot of people just know abuse as a way of life and do not know that there is “another way” to live and experience life.

I have seen a few websites dedicated towards abusers.  However, I hesitate to guess that people who abuse very rarely access these websites.  I do not know the recovery rate…if there is one.  I also hesitate to guess there are very few statistics on recovery rate. 

That being said, abuse is addictive.  The abuser often feels a rush when he abuses.  He can feel superior to the person he is abusing and enjoys seeing the pain and fear that can be on the abusees face.  This is addictive.  They crave to control and even if they feel remorse later it is often without regret.  Controlling behavior is very addictive or so I would guess.  If not contained though, this behavior can and does often kill the abusee, sending the abuser to prision if he is found and captured.

Abuse is also addictive to the abusee.  Believe it or not.  Like it or not.  It is their “normal”.  Even though they feel hurt and pain and fear.  It is all they have known or something they have grown used to.  It is very debasing and embarassing and I think few see help from professionals to break the chain of abuse.  It is embarassing to admit that a totally functioning individual who may be successful in all other ways has a secret life of being abused.

It is hard to break away once you are in the bonds of abuse.  Even if you want to do so.  It is just as hard if not harder to breakaway than it is for a drug addict.  “Normal” to them is to be told they are worth nothing and will never be.  They may desire to be freed from the bonds but fear what might be waiting for them if they leave the person who is currently abusing them.

It is up to those of us who have “seen the other side” to help those who need to break away from the pain and embarassment of being abused.  We have to show them another way.  We all “need” to learn another way.  Otherwise, we go from one abuser and abusive relationship to another. 

God, good friends and threapy help the abusee and I would hope the abuser to “learn” different ways to respond and to act.  God does not intend for our lives here on this earth to always be painful and abasing no matter what anyone else tells you.  Reach out and He will help.  He will send those to you who can help you out.  Out of the cycle.   Out of the hole.  Out of the pain.  You can learn that you have selfworth.  God does not create garbage in His image.  You and your life are special to Him. 

If you want to talk…I am here….

Trials and Tribulations

Why is it that when people need help the most, they run from it?  Really?  I have done it myself.  We have all done it.  What makes us think if we “ignore” what is bothering us, it will go away.  That doesn’t even work when we try it with people who “bug” us.  Why would we think it would happen with something?  It always finds us where ever we are and “surprise!” we are caught again.  It is like those period commercials with mother nature.  You know the ones I am talking about.  She appears with a gift wrapped with a red bow.  Well trouble is often a gift with a red bow.

The trouble can be shoved in a closet.  We can try to give it to someone else.  We can try ignoring it and hoping it will go away.  We can run away from it.  In fact, a lot of people chose that one.  I have a friend who has run from one coast to another in order to avoid the trouble that is following her like a can tied to a dogs tail!

It frustrates me because I can see it.  When she it thinking clearly, she can see it too.  But, she is just not yet ready to admit that she just needs to take the box, unpack it and deal with the stuff that is inside.  Yet, she gets surprised when it seems to find her no matter where she goes.  Imagine that!

I also hate how we show people one thing to get them off the track of another.  We can be fooled by that a lot.  Just think about little children who want something and we get them interested in something else.  The old bait and switch works well no matter what age you end up being.  That is until you catch on.  My ex-husband was wonderful at “look at the thing here while I do something else over there”.  I am a pro when it comes to that game.

Before I caught on though…I would get interested in the other thing and for a time let go of the thing I was first interested in.  That got me in a whole lot of terrible situations.  I stayed way to long in a marriage that I should never have been in in the first place.  Thankfully, with the help of counseling and some really good friends, I got out of that one.

Now, I am trying to help my friend.  She has avoided me since she found out that I was on to her.  I love her and want to help.  However, I know my limitations.  Can’t help anyone until that want to be helped no matter how much you want to.  So, all I can do is let her know that I am on to her trick and give her the rope to hang herself.

Then comes convincing….We have all had someone close to us try to convince us that what they are doing is for the best.  We know it is not…but they spend long hours trying to justify their actions or their choices.  Some times, their choice is a good one.  However, unless they choose to completely face what is wrong…they won’t heal.  They simply put a scab over the wound that continues to fester. 

When they hurt enough…maybe they will choose to face what is wrong.  Or they could continue to try and run.  Eventually, I think they run out of places to run.  And, when you are cornered by the issue is really no time to try and decide how to handle it sanely….

Suffering

Our sermon this morning was on a parable.  It was the one about the limbs and the vine.  Those that are not dead or productive are cut away.  Those that are productive are pruned.  Pruning means cutting.  Cutting can be thought to give one pain.  Hence the word suffering above.   Holly stated you can either suffer alone or you can suffer with Christ.  I choose the later rather than the former. 

Holly went on to say that being a Christian and being with and having God in your life does not mean that you are in a bubble of protection.  Yes, you are protected by God as one of His own.  However, that protection does not mean that you will not be prunned to force more growth on your part.

Difficult times can be used as growing tools.  You can draw near to God and learn from the hard times.  Or you can sit and suffer by yourself.  Some times we have to go through times that are difficult to become the person that God sees we can be.

Holly referred to Michaelangelo who said of his carving of David….”I saw an angel inside and chipped away until it was revealed.”  That is much what God does to us….He chips away until He gets to the “angel”  or the person we should be and were made to be.

Growing almost always involves pain of some type.  Whether it is actually physical pain or pain from heart ache and sadness.  I have had a few years of growning that I have been doing.  Some of the pain I have experienced during this time has been horrible.  I know I am in no way a finished product.  However, I consider myself a wounded healer.  I am far enough along that I feel I can help others along in their walk.  Rather, I can be used by God to help others along in their walk.

I know what I have been called to do.  Now I need to continue the course until I actually start putting that practice into place.  And, even after that.

Stages

I find myself sitting here in front of my new computer trying to figure out what exactly to write about the above title.  Stages… places where one performs.  Stages…parts of a rocket.  Stages…phases that one goes through…  Phases…age? growth? greif? emotions?  I guess stages can be a lot of different things according to where you are and what “phase” you are in.

Used to be that I was on a stage each and every day.  I had to decide what “person” I needed to be for the person with which I was communicating.  You see, I was and still am one of those people who believe that I have to perform to get people to like me and want to be around me.  I was never one for letting anyone see who I really was….  Why?  Well, the first answer that comes to my mind was because I was damaged goods and a nobody.  I know now that was a false impression I had of myself due to neglect and abuse as a child.  Because we are all part of God and we are made of his DNA and that makes us somebody right there.

I have to work really hard at allow people to see the real me.  I don’t have to pretend with the friends I have now.  I can let them see me with all my bumps, bruises and scars and they accept me as I am.  That is such a relief and such a blessing.  I  am slowly but surely learning  to trust.  The people who love me don’t realize how very special they are being chosen to show me how special I am.  They are a blessing and a gift from God to me!

I have been going through the stages of grief for the past couple of days.  Why, partially because of that book I mentioned in my last post.  Also partially also due to questions being asked by my counselor.  She has given me reason to pause to think about things that happened in my childhood and to look at them with a fresh eye to determine how I feel about them.  I figit in my chair while I am writing this.

Grief is a strange thing.  We experience it in many different ways.  There is the anger…the sadness…the denial…etc…  I have been going through all of these stages.  They blend and move with each other.  One bleeds into the other and I flow like a leaf on top of a current in a river over them.  I get stuck in an eddy here and there and dwell in one feeling or another.  Some times they all come at me at once.

People “rue” the things that have happened in their past.  I guess it is part of human nature to do so.  I am no different from anyone else when it comes to that.  However, after looking at my past and where I am today, I don’t know if my faith and strenght would be what it is if I had not experience at least some if not all of the things in my past.  History tend to shape us. 

That being said, I would not wish some things that I have experience on anyone.  Not even my worst enemy!  Somehow though, God has taken those experiences and blessed me with a desire to help.  Not blame.  Not sit on my butt and cry “why me”.  Not just wallow in my pity.  Not do anything and never grow or help.  Nope, I want to help those who have or who are going through what I have.  So, I guess I had to go through the Hell I went throught to get to the heaven I now have. 

I actually could have gone the other way.  I could have become bitter and reclusive and mean and ugly.  But, by the grace of God, I did not.  I could have become an abuser.  I did not. That is God’s hand!