Hooked On A Feeling Part II

Today, the freakiness was with my sister.  She knew that I needed words of encouragement and sent them post haste.  While I was out walking I fell into the pits of despair.  When I got back to the apartment, sure enough, there was an email from my sister giving me encouragement by sharing a daily devotional with me about Joseph being sold into slavehood.  Seems that Joseph was thrown into a pit by his jealous brothers.  Then he was sold into slavery.  From there, Joseph became second in command in Egypt.  Showing that good can come from bad things that happen to you.

It was the much neede message I needed today.  The pit I fell into was the one of thinking about all that I had lost in the past 5 years of my life.  My marriage to my now ex-husband was a time of truly being sold into slavery.  The only difference, I did it to myself.  Then I allowed the despair I felt during that time  turn me into another person all together.  And, I literally had to run for my life to get away from the abusive person who was trying to control my life.   If I had not left, I truly believe I would not be alive today.

However, my trials and tributlations have given my “new” life purpose.  Not only have I gained hopefullness and a new idea of what I want to do with my life, I have been able to explore why I ended up where I did anyway.  It has been a difficult and grueling experience.  However, I want to help others with transition from abusee to being whole and healed. 

We are all works in progress….We can always grow and learn if we just allow ourselves to be molded by God.  God would not have been able to “show” me where I should be without the things that have come before.  Yes, it hurt.  Yes, I hated it.  No, I would not want to live through it again.  However, I have grown and learned so much about me in the past few months.  I am truly learning who I am and not who others want me to be.  I am trying to fit into my own skin and not someone’s opinion of what my skin should be like. 

God is holding my hand.  He is holding my heart.  And, He knows…..He knows….

Hooked On A Feeling

Mind you, I have no scientific evidence to back this up.  I can only tell you how the females in my family react.  And, it is the truth….I can say that my mother said that my Great Grandfather had the ability to do many amazing things.  So, maybe some of his mojo has been passed down.  Or it could be that we are just in tune with our bodies….Or well, it could be that I have to stick with, I just can’t explain it.

I know that people have connections.  I can stay connected with my sister and just “know” when something is going on.  I can also tell you when “something”  bad is going to happen.  I am not clair voyant enough to tell you what.  However, without fail, if I feel it, it will happen.

Sceptics will say….well, you have a pretty good precentage that thing will happen…and if you tell the person you fear for that they need to be careful, well, then something is bound to happen.  To them, I say….okay if that is how you see it.

This post is about more than that though.  The feeling I am talking about has to do with the seasons.  I can feel, yes literally feel, the hint of the beginning of the change from one season to another.  Right now, I can feel the coming of Fall.  I have felt it for over two weeks now.

If you look at the thermometer, you can see that is says 95 degrees.  How can anyone feel the Fall?  And, I can say, well I do.  So, do my mom and my sister.  Whether it is because we grew up in the country and you had to be cognizant of the weather…My grandfather was always making comments on how to read the signs of nature to determine when it would rain or how long it would rain….He could even tell time and I never saw him wear a watch.

It has nothing to do with how warm or cool it is.  There is just “something” in the air that I can pick up on.  And, that something says that change is coming.  I just had a thought, I wonder if it’s like animals that can predict earthquakes before humans can.  You know they feel the tremors before a human can.?  Don’t know….there is just a thing there that I can feel and sense.

I can also tell when it is going to rain.  But that is even stranger…I dream about my grandmother.  Is it the change in the barometric pressure that causes me to dream certain dreams?  Who knows.  Does the barometric pressure affect people and their dreams?

Regardless, I am happy that I have learned these things and they have been passed down.  I would like to see if my nieces are as aware as their grandmother and their aunts are.

Comfortable In My Own Skin

Early in my bloggin career, I wrote about an old wive’s tale about Hags who come and ride you while you are asleep.  Basically, witches come to your room at nigt and cause you to have bad dreams.  The only way to prevent that from happening, so they say, is to paint blue around your windows and doors because Hags don’t like that color.  You can also put a line of salt at eact entrance to your house.  You see, the Hags have to climb out of their skin to come inside.  So, if there is salt, it will burn their raw flesh….

What does that have to do with me?  Well, those of you who know me well, know that I have been dealing with healing from years of abuse.  I have just gotten out of an abusive marriage and have been working really hard to understand me and why I ended up where I did.  This has not been an easy venture.  It has caused many days of pain and agony and many sleepless or night mare filled nights.  I have had to delve deep into my past to understand a lot of things about me and how I work.

I have tried for years to “be” what/who others wanted me to be in order to be loved and accepted.  In those years, it became hard for me to hold on to the essence of who I really was.  After so many years of being that “good little girl” or the “bestest friend” or the “dutiful wife”, I found that I had a huge puzzle of pieces of me that had to be put back together in order to “know” who I was.  I am still working on this. 

I feel we are all works in progress and to that end get pieces of the puzzle of ouselves thought out our lives.  By the time most of us are my age, they have a pretty good idea of who they are.  God first gives us a small puzzle to fit together when we are children.  As we grow that puzzle evolves into a huge tapestry to which we add pieces at different times in our lives.

Me, well, I had either created for myself or been added pieces that did not fit properly.  So, I essentially had to take the whole thing apart and start over again.  It’s like being almost finished with one of those huge puzzles and having it fall off the table and onto the floor and break apart into pieces.  Or course, some of the pieces fitted together stay together.  But, you still find yourself making repairs to get the whole thing back together again.

It’s like that or like starting in the middle and not having any edges.  Or having all the edges but nothing in the middle.  You need it all to be complete.

You can also equate what I have been going through to what my cats experienced the other night.  After noticing a flea on one of my boys, I treated them both with topical flea medicine.  For at lease several hours, they were not comfortable because the flea medicine was making the fleas on them go beserk.  They would twitch and jump and scratch.  I could see the skin on their backs ripple and move because they were itchy.  Also, they could not get comfortable.  They bounced from place to place hoping that the next place would bring relieve only to find that the itchiness had followed them because it was their own skin.  After a few hours, fleas died, they calmed down and they are now back to normal comfortable in their own skin.

I am hoping that I will get comfortable in my own skin soon.  Because, like my cats, I have jumped from place to place hoping to be comfortable once again, or for the first time.  I have times of calm but then, something will get itchy I don’t like it.  There is so much more about me that I have to learn.  There are things I have to let go.  I have to learn how to define myself differently.  The true me and not the one behind the mask.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful group of friends who are helping accepting of me and are encouraging me to find myself.  To become comfortable in my own skin.  God has given me the pieces.  I am busily putting them together in order to get a clearer picture of who I am and how I fit into this world.  He is patiently encouraging me not to rush in fitting the pieces together.  I think I have the picture and try to compelte it…He says not yet and hands me another piece that requires thought and patience in order to find the perfect place for it to fit.

A picture of me is emerging.

Just Have To

This is the first time in weeks that I have wanted to enter something totally whimsical into my blog.  The title came to me on my walk to the Farmer’s Market this morning.  The formation of the blog was already playing around in my head.  I needed a title to go with it.  Hence, Just Have To….

Have you ever seen something that you “just had to” ….touch, taste, of smell?  You know, the things of which I speak.  When you see a baby that is so cute you just have to touch it, kiss it, smell it’s head or blow on it’s belly?  When you smell something that is so delicious that you have to put it in your mouth?  When the texture of it and the taste of it is absolutely wonderful?  When you see a flower that is beautiful and want to smell it?  You get the idea!

My two kitties sometimes inspire me to “just have tos”.  They are really cute and fluffy.  They make poses that are just so inviting that I just have to respond in some way.  They will lay down and expose their bellies.  They will roll from side to side.  They turn their head just a certain way.  They have a sleepy look in their eyes.  They snuggle next to you and purr.  There is a long list of just have to’s.

Now, what do I just have to do?  Well, sometimes I simply have to touch them and rub their heads and ears.  When they walk by, I just have to grasp their tail and allow it to move through my hand as they continue to walk by.  Sometimes I have to tempt fate and just rub that exposed belly.  Other times, I have to smell them.  Each cat has a different smell.  My Abbie cat used to smell like cinnamon.  These two have distinct smells too.  Both have clean scents that I have yet to identify with a specific smell.  Kind of like clean laundry.

My sister has a new kitten that she rescued. It is a ball of fire and never stops moving until it wears itself out.  When you happen to catch the tazmanian devil as it whils into view, it begins nipping and biting and attacking anthing that moves.  For this little guy, I just had to blow on his belly and buzz him kind of like you do a baby.  It suprised him and got him to stop biting for a few seconds.  Then he was off again on is rampage.

Some time, I have to play with my kitties feet.  They are just so cute.  Their little pink toes.  The hair between them.  These boys have huge feet!  I love it when they open their paws and let me run my finger between their toes.  Not only does it bring them a sense of ahhh because they like the massage, but I enjoy it because of the sensation.

The one thing I do that will probably confirm what most of you alreay think or know about me, how strange I really am, is that some times, I just have to bite them too.  I know it sounds strange and yucky to some…but, I have a method to my madness.  When they are just soo cute and pretty…I just have to bite them.  Why?

Well, kitties have a strange way of showing their love.  Yes, they rub against you.  But, contrary to popular believe, the rub is not simply as sign of affection, they are marking their scent on you.  They also will head butt you.  That is a sign of greeting.  But, if they really love you and have affection for you, they will give you a little nip.  Not a hard bite…just a little nip. 

So, when I lean down and bite the scruff of there necks just gently, it give them the message that I love them.  They do not move away from me.  They do not tense up and look at me like I am a nut.  They simply take the sign of affection and sometimes will respond with the same.

So think about the just have tos that you see today.  Another one that I saw was puppies.  They were absolutely the cutest thing I was seeing at the time.  So, I just had to walk over and touch them. 

What do you Just Have To….?

Addictions

There are so many different types of addictions that I cannot begin to list them all.  Currently, a lot of the reality TV shows deal with some type of addiction.  Just a few to mention are hoarding, OCD and drug addiction. 

For whatever reason, people like to watch these shows because “they” can see someone who is worse off then they are.  Some of them watch because they can identify with the peson and the addiction but would never say so in public.  I have to wonder about those who have let someone film cases of their addiction.  I also have to question people who sit down to a night of watching addiction behavior on TV.  What does that say about our culture?

However, I can name one addiction issue that one will probably never see on TV.  That addiction is abuse.  That may raise the eyebrows on quite a few heads when that read the above line.  However, in my own personal opinion, Abuse can be and often is an addiction that is just as prevelant and deadly as an in our culture today.

It happens everyday.  It happens in way too many homes to count.  It can eventually kill the addictee (for want of a better word).  It is treated way less by professionals than other outward addictions.  There is no drug that you can take or any place to go to “dry out”.  Some or most people do not know that they can be treated and cured.  However, the treatment is not readily available and many people feel that there is no where to turn.  I would even guess that a lot of people just know abuse as a way of life and do not know that there is “another way” to live and experience life.

I have seen a few websites dedicated towards abusers.  However, I hesitate to guess that people who abuse very rarely access these websites.  I do not know the recovery rate…if there is one.  I also hesitate to guess there are very few statistics on recovery rate. 

That being said, abuse is addictive.  The abuser often feels a rush when he abuses.  He can feel superior to the person he is abusing and enjoys seeing the pain and fear that can be on the abusees face.  This is addictive.  They crave to control and even if they feel remorse later it is often without regret.  Controlling behavior is very addictive or so I would guess.  If not contained though, this behavior can and does often kill the abusee, sending the abuser to prision if he is found and captured.

Abuse is also addictive to the abusee.  Believe it or not.  Like it or not.  It is their “normal”.  Even though they feel hurt and pain and fear.  It is all they have known or something they have grown used to.  It is very debasing and embarassing and I think few see help from professionals to break the chain of abuse.  It is embarassing to admit that a totally functioning individual who may be successful in all other ways has a secret life of being abused.

It is hard to break away once you are in the bonds of abuse.  Even if you want to do so.  It is just as hard if not harder to breakaway than it is for a drug addict.  “Normal” to them is to be told they are worth nothing and will never be.  They may desire to be freed from the bonds but fear what might be waiting for them if they leave the person who is currently abusing them.

It is up to those of us who have “seen the other side” to help those who need to break away from the pain and embarassment of being abused.  We have to show them another way.  We all “need” to learn another way.  Otherwise, we go from one abuser and abusive relationship to another. 

God, good friends and threapy help the abusee and I would hope the abuser to “learn” different ways to respond and to act.  God does not intend for our lives here on this earth to always be painful and abasing no matter what anyone else tells you.  Reach out and He will help.  He will send those to you who can help you out.  Out of the cycle.   Out of the hole.  Out of the pain.  You can learn that you have selfworth.  God does not create garbage in His image.  You and your life are special to Him. 

If you want to talk…I am here….

Trials and Tribulations

Why is it that when people need help the most, they run from it?  Really?  I have done it myself.  We have all done it.  What makes us think if we “ignore” what is bothering us, it will go away.  That doesn’t even work when we try it with people who “bug” us.  Why would we think it would happen with something?  It always finds us where ever we are and “surprise!” we are caught again.  It is like those period commercials with mother nature.  You know the ones I am talking about.  She appears with a gift wrapped with a red bow.  Well trouble is often a gift with a red bow.

The trouble can be shoved in a closet.  We can try to give it to someone else.  We can try ignoring it and hoping it will go away.  We can run away from it.  In fact, a lot of people chose that one.  I have a friend who has run from one coast to another in order to avoid the trouble that is following her like a can tied to a dogs tail!

It frustrates me because I can see it.  When she it thinking clearly, she can see it too.  But, she is just not yet ready to admit that she just needs to take the box, unpack it and deal with the stuff that is inside.  Yet, she gets surprised when it seems to find her no matter where she goes.  Imagine that!

I also hate how we show people one thing to get them off the track of another.  We can be fooled by that a lot.  Just think about little children who want something and we get them interested in something else.  The old bait and switch works well no matter what age you end up being.  That is until you catch on.  My ex-husband was wonderful at “look at the thing here while I do something else over there”.  I am a pro when it comes to that game.

Before I caught on though…I would get interested in the other thing and for a time let go of the thing I was first interested in.  That got me in a whole lot of terrible situations.  I stayed way to long in a marriage that I should never have been in in the first place.  Thankfully, with the help of counseling and some really good friends, I got out of that one.

Now, I am trying to help my friend.  She has avoided me since she found out that I was on to her.  I love her and want to help.  However, I know my limitations.  Can’t help anyone until that want to be helped no matter how much you want to.  So, all I can do is let her know that I am on to her trick and give her the rope to hang herself.

Then comes convincing….We have all had someone close to us try to convince us that what they are doing is for the best.  We know it is not…but they spend long hours trying to justify their actions or their choices.  Some times, their choice is a good one.  However, unless they choose to completely face what is wrong…they won’t heal.  They simply put a scab over the wound that continues to fester. 

When they hurt enough…maybe they will choose to face what is wrong.  Or they could continue to try and run.  Eventually, I think they run out of places to run.  And, when you are cornered by the issue is really no time to try and decide how to handle it sanely….